Facing the Truth
Fourteen months ago I premiered Unsuk Chin’s Celloconcerto at the Proms in London, a very rewarding as well as traumatic experience. In order to understand and communicate this technically and musically challenging work I had forced myself to play the world premier by heart; the rewarding part was the very warm reception from the audience, the traumatic one came from the fact that in the two hardest passages I panicked and got subsequently lost. Passages, I had practised as well and long as never anything before, and still when it came to it, my brain shut down and the fingers went on auto-pilot, kind of faking their way through, abandoned from their guide. Nobody realized except the conductor back then, not even the composer herself (as she claims, but I still don’t believe her!), but I didn’t care, I wasn’t doing it for the audience or for her, but as a perfectionist I always want to play as well as humanly possible, never mind if it is being appreciated or not. Until today I haven’t dared to listen to the recording of that concert, not even in preparation for last night’s concert in Tampere, Finland, where the Chin Concerto came to its second performance ever.